


supposed to, has to, should, could be enough

by a_secondhand_sorrow



Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Character Study, Emotional Repression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Like, M/M, all dialogue is straight from The Scene and/or paraphrased off of what I thought the dialogue was, but if you've seen the first episode you'll understand the reference, ft Payton's inner thoughts, i dont even know what this is, i guess, if you stretch, its like 800 words of smth I wrote immediately after bingeing the whole show and then crying, its literally just The Scene that's is, just what ben platt would want, not explicit at all, probably at like 2 am, so if you think that's not good for you than pls take care of yourself, so uh, that's the whole plot, this is heady and random, whoopie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:01:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22219717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_secondhand_sorrow/pseuds/a_secondhand_sorrow
Summary: it wasn’t supposed to be anything.
Relationships: River Barkley/Payton Hobart
Kudos: 30





	supposed to, has to, should, could be enough

**Author's Note:**

> I have very little memory of writing this in a vague fever dream after watching all of season 1 in quick succession. its just the One Scene. don't worry about it.

it wasn’t supposed to be anything. 

that comment to his mother-it wasn’t supposed to be a lie. it wasn’t supposed to be fake. it wasn’t supposed to be _anything_. the way River made him feel-he wasn’t supposed to do that. not when he’d curated his life so carefully just to get to where he was, for a chance of achieving what he dreamed of. getting distracted by a pretty face-a pretty face he couldn’t marry, or couldn’t make his first lady, at least-wasn’t worth it. it wasn’t worth anything. no skeletons to dig up. that’s all he wanted. stick to the plan, because it will work. he had to stick to the plan. he had to be happy. 

but he wasn’t. happy, that is. he didn’t allow himself to confront it until River Barkley sat in front of him, infinitely happier, or maybe infinitely sadder. feeling a thousand things when he himself could feel nothing and maybe just a touch of everything, a swell of it that rose so quickly he barely recognized the tears forming in his eyes until one had spilled over.

it wasn’t supposed to be anything. 

“how’d you get me to be vulnerable like that?” he’d said, the words feeling like they’d been torn right out of his chest. he swiped at his eyes. 

he couldn’t look River in the eye. dammit, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d cried, much less in front of someone else. cried when not watching _it’s a wonderful life_ . when had he cried? did it matter? did it really matter, when he was crying in front of River Barkley _now_?

he stood, all the usual grace removed from the gesture to let his feet guide him to the cushions in front of his bed, where he sat with an uncharacteristic smallness, almost curling in on himself. so different from his usual presence, so much smaller and weaker and less presidential. 

this wasn’t a part of the plan. feeling like this. he wasn’t supposed to do that. 

he felt rather than saw River sit next to him. “it’s just kind of a thing I do with people,” he said, and then Payton was looking up at him. of course. of course it’s just his thing. not a Payton thing. good. this is just...a River Barkley problem.

(unless if River Barkley is the problem.)

River’s eyes were looking back at his, which were surely watering again. christ, those eyes. if he didn’t have his plan he’d get caught up in those eyes forever. 

he wasn’t supposed to feel like this. 

River’s hand reached up, ghosting over his cheek. “maybe that’s what you needed.”

there it was, that feeling of everything again. another flash. another moment. “what do you need?” and in his head it sounded almost political, but when it came out of his mouth it sounded more like a prayer than any prayer he’d actually said, voice torn and pleading. desperate. reverent. 

“can I kiss you?”

and for once in his life, Payton could read genuinity on another person’s face. and for once he could feel everything, and it hurt. it hurt so much. 

it wasn’t supposed to mean anything. 

but still River leaned in and caught his lips, and suddenly it meant everything. 

he wasn’t supposed to feel like this. 

then River leaned back, the ghost of a soft smile still on his lips, and wiped a new tear that had just spilled over from the corner of Payton’s eyes with his thumb. his hand didn’t seem to know where to go or what to do - it flitted from his eyes to his cheek and finally rested longest on Payton’s lower lip, thumb resting right on the edge of lip and skin. and with that one motion, he was undone, even as River seemed unable to really stay still. Payton could have sat there forever and sustained himself from the bright and deep look in River’s eyes and the feel of his thumb on his lip and he’d probably feel more fulfilled than if he had every luxury in the world. but River could not, should not, would not let himself, and he stood after a moment. 

“I’ll see you next week. for tutoring,” River said, slinging his bag over his shoulder, a businesslike gesture that had no place in the weird bubble he’d forced Payton into. but he paused for a moment and met payton’s eye, and from then on it didn’t matter that it wasn’t supposed to mean anything and he wasn’t supposed to feel this way. it wouldn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t matter to him again, not if River looked at him like that just once more.

even if he was left a sobbing, shaking mess on the cushions near his bed, hand reaching up to brush over his lower lip every once in a while. even if he threatened otherwise and assumed the worst of River, that he was ashamed too. even if he let him stare down the barrel of a gun. even if he couldn’t be president.

even if he gave up everything else in those moments alone, nothing else mattered.


End file.
